Why I Think Jaws Should Be Remade With a Car Instead of a Shark

Why I Think Jaws Should Be Remade With a Car Instead of a Shark

Last year, nearly 1.3 million people died in road crashes. That's 3,287 deaths per day. An additional 20-50 million people are injured or disabled. However, the US only averages 19 shark attacks each year, and just one shark attack fatality every two years. Looking at the facts, how can any logical person be afraid of the great white disappointment that is Jaws?

How am I supposed to be stricken with deep-sea terror when I know Martin Brody is more likely to die by Range Rover than shark attack? In fact, how could any reasonable person be afraid of the shark in the first place, knowing that if anything, the shark will only kill one of them, and then retreat to the deep for upwards of 24 months? Instead of staying in the statistically safe waters, the population of Amity Island flees, back to the hellish death machine that is the transportation system.

Instead of this illogical Toyotathon, I propose that the movie be remade, only this time replacing the shark itself with the 2011 Kia Rio. This subcompact car is easily more frightening than the 1,500 to 2,400 pounds of pathetic the movie currently sports. With 149 fatalities expected per million registrations, it would take Jaws 298 years to achieve those numbers, maybe 200 if you gave it a gun, but even that's pushing it.

Imagine you're out at sea taking in the beauty of the deep blue, when all of a sudden the 2011 Kia Rio leaps out of the ocean, striking your boat! With its four doors of death and failed safety inspection, there's no doubt you'd be more scared than if a twelve foot single homicide slapped itself on your poop deck. The Kia Rio could run you over, or simply explode due to poor design, while sharks can't even breathe on land, or explode! Well the Kia Rio doesn't have to breathe... it just has to kill.

A shark driving a Kia Rio, now that'd be terrifying! What with its lack of hands or general motor skills, a Great White would surely be the most dangerous driver on the road, or the sea. Sure, you'd have to fill the car with water, but with Kia Rio's poor exterior, it shouldn't be that hard to flood. I'd watch that movie, wouldn't you?

In fact, let's just cut out the middle man altogether. While sharks are terrifying to look at, the logistics just aren't there. I say we replace that aquatic speed racer with a vending machine, seeing as they kill an average of 2.18 people a year, much more than pansy sharks. We wouldn't have to fill the Kia Rio with water, and the thought of being pursued by mobile, candy-dispensing death is sure to be enough to make even the most confident man drop a fresh chocolate bomb.

But hold up, let's take a step back.

What if the vending machine dispensed tiny sharks as it drove the Kia Rio? Move over Freddy Krueger, there's a new master of nightmare in town. Now imagine all those tiny sharks have tiny guns and all the personalities of famous dictators. You feel those chills going down your spine? That's called movie gold.

And who's to say the fun has to stop there? Mix it up Spielberg!

Maybe it's a vending machine driven by a shark with a gun that shoots tiny dictators with the personalities of the Kia Rio! Maybe it's a Kia Rio driving a shark with the personality of a vending machine and the world's most dangerous dictators are in the trunk with the personality of guns! Have fun sleeping after that!

My 10-Year College Reunion Weekend

My 10-year college reunion has been a point of contention since the first of 18 invitations arrived at my parents' house. My mom called me up and asked, "Your school sent you some thick letters honey, can I open them?" Sure mom, I've already been accepted and graduated. What the hell else can possibly be in there? A refund check? Highly doubtful.

"They're inviting you to campus for a reunion! Oh and asking for a donation!! That's less exciting but still nice of them to invite you." As if a reunion is an "Oscar Winners Only" after-party.

Days later I found out that a reunion really is by invitation only. Several classmates were banned from ever stepping foot on campus again. Five in fact. Definitely hooked up with three. Currently only keep in contact with two. The third officially lives off the grid deep in the Montana woods dodging the IRS and allegedly speaking to Bruce Willis daily through telepathy. You won't see his story printed on the "Where are they now?" packet. Calls made to Bruce's rep went unreturned, but in all fairness I only used my brain, not my mobile.

Welcome to reunion weekend. Come catch up with people who didn't make an effort to stay in touch, but claim to love you nonetheless. Have a beer, eat some curds, and maybe get laid in the greenhouse just like the old days.

It's customary to show up to your reunion bearing monetary gifts. My policy for giving back to my alma mater is simple: make an annual donation... just as soon as I pay off my 60k student loans. In the meantime, do not ask for more money while I attempt to settle a decade old bar tab; it's bad manners. I love my school and I want future generations to love it too, but I also don't want them to be broke and living with their parents for as long as I did. It's a liberal arts school—they'll analyze it from twenty different angles and conclude with a sympathetic understanding in my favor. Especially once they see my sorry excuse for a savings account.

Maybe I'd go to the 10-year reunion if Facebook didn't exist, but anytime I feel nostalgic I'll click on the acquaintance tab and see what everyone's up to.

Kids.

Everyone is having kids.

That's literally what they're all up to.

So it's hard to ask people with families and real jobs to take a vacation day and fly to Wisconsin for a weekend. Those who stayed in the state or neighboring ones will make an honest attempt and drive up, but those of us who fled to coastal cities can't justify spending a grand on airline tickets to play 48 hours of catch-up with former professors. (SPOILER ALERT: They've been teaching and publishing more textbooks.)

I have a deeply rooted fear that reunions become a poorly planned presentation of what you've achieved. Like a modern art gallery opening with slightly different variations of the same installation...

"This is my second wife, junior Olympian stepson, and Mercedes Limited Edition X Class."

"Well I just finished my residency in pediatric cardiology, bought a second home in Tahoe, and recently dined with the Clintons."

"That's great, here's a copy of my latest album, my trusty guitar, and the RV I travel the world in playing elite acoustic festivals."

Then they'll look at my life and discover my only claim to fame is that Amy Schumer used one of my jokes on her first album, I just haven't been able to prove it. *Crickets* Oh and I've completed nearly every improv school in existence so if you need someone to go method while pretending to be talking dinosaur I could accommodate that request pretty easily. Stegosaurus or T-Rex? You know what? I'll let the moment decide.

If body image is what's holding you back from attending, then shame on you. You obviously don't have the personality to carry the extra pounds or you wouldn't care. We're talking about the Midwest here. If you haven't gained the Green Bay 20 or the Duluth 35, how do you expect to survive the winter, much less the reunion? Bodies get soft, it's no big deal. LA's organic food culture has kept me in a size 8 (size 4 in college), but it's mostly boobs, and that holds steadfast as the most acceptable place to be squishy.

Some claim that reunions are opportunities to thank your professor or make a heartfelt apology to someone you wronged. Maybe bury a grudge and move on without that weight holding you back. I suppose we all could make an apology or two. I'm sure we'd all be owed one too, but going into it expecting some closure and not getting it may only leave you more jaded than before. We are all different people now. We've all changed. We all have a decade's worth of lessons under our belts. Chances are the guy who screwed you and other ladies over has two daughters and a third one on the way, so I'm pretty sure he's learned his lesson on how to treat women properly. No apology necessary.

Several years ago, while engaged in a huge effort to unionize my coworkers, I wrote a letter to my history professor thanking him profusely for giving me the best possible education I could ask for. He made me a better writer, a better debater, and helped me cultivate the patience to understand that there will always be idiots who don't see the benefits of a union and they will be the ones who will undoubtedly wreck your grand plans. He helped me understand persistence—that wars are never won through one battle alone, that people aren't as educated as you'd hoped they would be.

But most of all he reminded me that every vote is valuable, even the one from my current flight attendant, who has chosen to reread a backdated 2003 Voguemagazine seven times in three days, but doesn't know the grammatical difference between "where, we're, and were." One brick at a time I suppose. It may not be lunch with a former president, but with my help maybe she'll be able to understand her renter's agreement next time she signs a lease.

Regardless of how well I do financially, I will be leaving my entire estate to Lawrence University. I can only hope to be a millionaire and force upon them my plans to build an extravagant dorm with an infinity pool. Hopefully I will be able to leave them so much money that I can name the dorm something ridiculous. Can you imagine receiving your dorm assignments as a freshman and telling your parents you got assigned "Stride of Pride Hall"? Your parents will think it's to motivate you to be incredible intellectuals, but those who know the history will know the truth: that Simonne character really was a liberal thinker who enjoyed double entendres.

Reaffirming My Faith in Humanity

Sometimes I wonder why people could be so depressed. The world we live in is so amazing and beautiful, and we should all be thankful that we're in it. I think everyone should close their eyes, and take a minute or two every day to realize how great of a gift life really is. Not just because it would provide you with a different perspective and a positive frame of mind, but because that's all the time I need to take your wallet, and make a clean getaway.

Some people say that we humans are a violent and savage species. Well, I think that people who say that should get stabbed in the face. Don't you belittle my species, you species belittler. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. You ugly, ignorant fucking swine.

You have a really big head by the way.

I choose to see the good in people. Sure, we've done some pretty bad things to each other, and to the environment. You may point to the Holocaust, apartheid, slavery, the mass destruction of the Native Americans, pollution, animal cruelty, fracking, child abuse, sexism, classism, terrorism, religious intolerance, homophobia, and the fact that we've killed every decent human being that gave us guidelines on how to live peacefully with one another, like Jesus, Mohandas Gandhi, Abraham Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Harvey Milk, and John Lennon. But you want to know what I think the real problem is?

Your negative attitude.

Instead of focusing on the bad things, why not look at the amazing and inspirational things human beings are capable of? Like the mother who lifted a bus full of people four feet off the ground to save her bag of crack, or the other night when I had sex with an actual real life person.

I just went to a birthday party for my friend Anne who is the most inspiring person I've ever met. At the age of 13 she escaped a life of abuse and neglect by her parents and beat the odds to become perfectly well-adjusted woman with a family of her own. She has two lovely girls with a son on the way. I asked her what it was that got her through all those rough years and she said it was her faith in God, and her undying passion of one day getting out of that hell hole to become a therapist so she could help people who went through the same type of things that she did. I had to hold back my tears because to me, it's amazing to see that type of maturity from a 14-year-old girl.

I look at the children I see running up and down the street playing and laughing with so much energy and enthusiasm, and I wonder at what point do we lose that joy and happiness. At what point do we lose our innocence? Is it when we realize the unfairness of the world, or when we accidentally kill a homeless person with a hammer? Can we get it back? I think so. As long as you look at the world with the same lenses these children do. I do it every day.

I sat there and watched until a cop showed up and asked where I live, and why I'm not wearing a shirt or shoes. After I explained everything to this nice man he looked at me with a very understanding, but befuddled look. Then he offered me a ride to a place where I could lay down and sober up until Monday when a judge would be available.

I met this really nice guy named Spider while I was there. He struck up a conversation after he complimented me on my smile. I asked him what he was in for, and he said it was a big misunderstanding with a gun and a liquor store, and that he was completely innocent. I believe him.

Then he started talking about his life, and what it was like growing up on the streets. Most people would look at this guy once and see a monster, but after talking to him I just see a big scarred up ol' teddy bear capable of change. At one point he turned his head towards me and I saw tears coming down his face. I went to wipe his tears away, but soon realized that the tears were tattooed onto his face. We both laughed and hugged each other. Not as men in jail, but as two human beings.

50 Shades of Gag: Woman loses control of bodily fluids at cinema showing – forcing evacuation.

50 Colours of Gag: Disgruntled theatre goers have reportedly recently been offered refunds

A lady in a packed showing of 50 Colours of Grey in Milton Keynes caused your entire audience to be evacuated soon after losing control of her fluids.

The Cineworld showing had barely got underway in the event the women, believed to be consuming alcohol, started vomiting – much on the horror of those sitting near her, reports this Milton Keynes Citizen.

Then again things got even worse when she lost control of most her bodily fluids.

“We all expected to determine Christian Grey gag 
Anastasia contained in the plot, ” a disgruntled cinema-goer told the Resident.

“We certainly didn’t 
expect to be gagging ourselves as a result of stench.

“She lost handle of 
everything, including just about all bodily 
fluids. The whole cinema stank. “.

This Milton Keynes paper perhaps reports that paramedics were called in assist the woman.

“I’m undecided of her age however she so drunk the lady couldn’t move. She practically would have to be 
carried out. And the mess she found lacking was just 
disgusting, inch said a source.

“There was no way they may clean it up right now there and then – it becomes a specialist job, and so the film was stopped and everybody was required to leave.

“It was thus disappointing. We’d really been looking forward to seeing it after studying the books. ”

The unnamed lady wasn’t on your own who had a severe a reaction to watching 50 Shades of Grey, a video of the Irish grandmother’s hilarious a reaction to the film has long gone viral after being published on YouTube.

Here’s how we reacted to the news in the Milton Keynes cinema evacuation…

Married TV presenter takes mystery blonde stranger to sauna – then wakes up without his testicles.

RUSSIAN POLICE BELIEVE DMITRY NIKOLAEV WAS TARGETED BY A CRIMINAL GANG SELLING ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET

Some sort of married TV presenter who took a mystery blonde stranger to your sauna then kissed the woman’s – passed out in addition to woke up without his / her testicles.

Dmitry Nikolaev, 30, from Moscow, was out drinking from his local bar when a stylish woman approached him in addition to struck up a discussion.

Shortly afterwards they hailed a taxi and traveled to a nearby sauna, where he helped himself to your beer and they smooched, according to LifeNews. Ru.

The next thing he remembers is stumbling out of bed, feeling an acute discomfort below the waist in addition to noticing blood on his / her pants.

He said: “I met a female at the bar after which it we went to the sauna for the taxi. I remember that we had a beer, and remember any more. inches

It was only when he arrived at hospital that doctors explained to him he’d been drugged in addition to his testicles were removed by someone who was simply an expert in castration.

Russian police believe Dmitry was targeted by a criminal gang selling organs on the black market.

He extra: “I thought it was only a cut but doctors laughed and said my testicles had also been removed. ”

He spent hours in intensive care where doctors underwent an additional operation to close this wound, according to Euro media.

The skin was originally cauterised and yes it was a clean minimize, so surgeons believe the culprit could have been a doctor or a good vet.

Dmitry meanwhile, told his wife he was forced to endure emergency surgery on his genitals caused by a sudden serious illness.

First human head transplant could be possible in just two years

ITALIAN DOCTOR SERGIO CANAVERO BELIEVES THE SURGERY WILL HELP PEOPLE WITH DEGENERATIVE MUSCLE DISEASES AND CANCER SUFFERERS.

Exceptional: Dr Canavero says numerous people have are interest in acquiring new bodies
It appears like the plot from a horror movie, but scientists believe a human head transplant could soon become a reality.

Doctors will launch a project for a conference this summer, with the use of carrying out the first procedure the moment 2017.

The man leading your ambitious plan is German doctor Sergio Canavero in the Turin Advanced Neuromodulation Team.

Motivation: The first-ever head transplant within a monkey was carried out 40 rice
He believes head transplants could help people with degenerative lean muscle disease and cancer sufferers.

After first floating the idea in 2013, Dr Canavero now believes the major obstacles to the pioneering surgery have been recently overcome, the New Scientist accounts.

These include managing to generate the spinal cord fuse with a new head, and ensuring the body’s immune system does not necessarily reject it.

Dr Canavero plans in order to announce the project at the annual conference of the actual American Academy of Nerve and Orthopaedic Surgeons (AANOS) with Annapolis, Maryland, in August.

He published a paper with a theory on how he / she believes the operation might be carried out successfully that month.

Mind-boggling: The surgery would involve fusing the vertebrae to a new human body

It would involve cooling down the recipient’s head along with the donor body to prolong the time their cells can make it through without oxygen.

Tissue throughout the neck would then end up being dissected and major leading to tinnitus linked using tiny pipes.

The spinal cords would then be cleanly severed prior to recipient’s head is moved onto the donor human body.

The ends of the vertebrae would be fused while using chemical polyethylene glycol.

After that, the person would be put into a coma for around four weeks while these people heal.

Dr Canavero believes anybody would wake up while using the same voice, move and feel their face and learn how to walk within a year.

He says several men and women have already volunteered to have a new body.

Some critics have blasted Dr Canavero’s challenge ‘pure fantasy’.

But it truly is now more than 40 years considering that the first monkey head transplant as well as a similar operation on a new mouse was recently prosperous in China.

5 Next Level Ways to Masturbate!

People are actually spicing up their lovemaking by taking it outdoors for age range. Why should you overlook the fun just because you’re yourself? Find a nice spot such as a movie theatre or public park and go to town. The change of perspective will probably be invigorating, and the nervous about getting caught will allow it to become that much better… simply just, you know, don’t really get caught. I can tell you from experience that it does not lead to good issues.

Tend not to knock it ’til you’ve tried it my buddy. Masturbators may seem weird but they’re also enjoyment. Plus you can get them to yourself! Seriously! If you will be like me, for example, all you need can be a bar of soap from the commissary and the screwdriver you keep hidden under your wedge pillow to carve it having and there’s literally no limit for the fun new things you may make! Try it once and I promise you’ll never get back to the old way again!

Fine, if you’re like me you do not really have a choice from the matter ’cause you’re witout a doubt locked in with someone usually, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reap the benefits of it! Jerkin’ it with another individual in the room can make the experience double this fun. Plus, even if they’re not involved with it, they’re a white supremacist asshole, who gives a fuck what exactly they think?

Okay so this most likely are not “masturbation” in the traditional sense, but I promise it’ll feel just as beneficial. Remember that screwdriver you helpful to carve the soap dildo within section 2? Well now you’re gonna use it to teach your asshole bunk spouse who’s boss. He and his Aryan Brotherhood are making your life terrible, and for what? Jerking off from the bed above him?! THE SPOT THAT THE FUCK ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO IT!?! They messed while using the wrong guy. It’s time and energy to take your life back.

Whenever they put you in individual for “Violent behavior, ” you should use it as an chance to do some soul browsing. Think about how this particular place changed you in to the shell of a human that you are today, try to comprehend the fact that you’ll probably never fit in with the outside world yet again, and really work of which crank. I promise it’ll be the best JO of your life!

Man left with third-degree burns after iPhone 5C explodes in his pocket

Erik Johnson said he was bending up to get keys when he or she heard a popping noises before his trousers started to burn.

Erik Johnson said when the phone exploded people can actually smell his system burning
A man whoever iPhone 5C exploded through his cousin’s wake seemed to be left with third-degree burns.

Erik Johnson, said he was bending to get keys when this individual heard a popping sound before his trousers did start to burn.

He said: “My leg just started occurring fire.

“‘I had for you to rip my pants away from. A couple of people actually said they might smell my body getting rid of.

“It felt like when you find yourself branding a bull or similar to that. ”

Mr Manley, from Long Island, Ny, then had to spend ten days in a specialist burns unit following the mobile melted through his or her trousers and stuck for you to his skin.

He now ought to have the bandages on your massive wound he seemed to be left with on his or her thigh changed twice per day by nurses.

Photos show the way the extreme temperature even dissolved the screen and fused the plastic in the phone with its material case.

Damaged circuit boards is probably the reasons a mobile can inflate.

Another is if a bad charger is used, but Mr Johnson says this wasn’t the truth and is now suing The apple company.

Apple users took to web 2 . 0 to express their great shock.

The company has not yet taken care of immediately the allegations.

Express Yourself! Man spends £50,000 on surgery to look like Madonna!

Adam Daniel is currently one of America’s top impersonators of the queen of pop and is particularly delighted with his transformation.

Any performer has proven that do not need be a woman to become a material girl – by spending around £50, 000 on surgery to look like Madonna.

Adam Daniel is actually one of America’s top impersonators from the queen of pop and claims to possess performed 4, 000 shows in past times 12 years – with any luck , without falling down the actual stairs like Madge did while performing with the Brits on Wednesday.

Your 31-year-old, who performs because his alter ego Venus Please, said: “I spent practically my very existence, my whole wallet, all of the money that’s been provided to me to look similar to Madonna.

“I’ve had my cheeks implanted and my jaw done several times, I’ve had my chin done and I’ve got brow lifts and waffle.

“But it is so worthwhile because, goddamn, I look like Madonna. ”

The wardrobes at his home in Are generally are packed full of replicas from the Queen of Pop’s clothes from her rambunctious Blonde Ambition days right through to her more modest performances as Evita.

He first became enthusiastic about the ‘Like a Virgin’ vocalist when he was a youngster who was struggling with visiting terms with his sexuality.

Adam said: “My obsession began while i was 15-years-old and I started enjoying all her music non-stop.

“I’d found one among her albums that my personal mom owned and We played it non-stop.

“I became enthusiastic about everything she was doing and I must say i felt like she was speaking on to me.

“Everything that I seemed to be feeling inside was what she was singing and everything I wanted to be was what she was. ”

But his extreme actions to replicate his idol in addition to his almost lifelong obsession with her have generated some problems at house.

His mother Annette Guerra, who inadvertently introduced him to help Madonna, is now regretting previously purchasing her album.

Your lover said: “When he first became enthusiastic about her I was within denial I didn’t need to believe it.

“I really dislike your ex because he holds in her too big esteem – it’s being a religion to him.

80s era: Adam Daniel, 31, pictured at home in Los Angeles, California
“I’m always worried about him when she has a procedure done. When he first started off doing it he would pretty shady places where by I didn’t think we were looking at capable or qualified to complete what they were performing. ”

But Adam doesn’t have plans to tone straight down his obsession with Madonna. He / she added: “My ex boyfriend had been like my mom : he didn’t want me to complete it but knew it had been a losing battle.

“They wish I’d spend it on other considerations like savings or a good car but to myself money comes and moves, possessions come and go, jobs come and go but you’ve only got one life to call home. ”

After starting off earning just six pounds a show Adam has become well known on America’s west coast as well as gets in free to be able to Madonna gigs.

But his main love remains to be performing as the crazy bombshell, he added: “It’s an incredible feeling, it’s a huge speed and I get nervous because I would like to look like her and seem like her.

“Whether I’m on for a half-hour or three hours I just have to give it my all. I put a lots of pressure on myself so it could be really nerve wracking. ”

But despite the reservations of his family Adam has no regrets about his choice to become Madonna.

“She’s such a strong character, she’s such a good iconic character and she’s a bitch, she’s a queen and just the image of flawlessness, ” he added

“No 1 understands my love with regard to Madonna, I don’t even know if she’d understand it.

“I need to die and say hey I did this and no-one else achieved it.

“I did it along with I enjoyed every second. “.

This new gadget charges your phone while you pleasure yourself!

Therefore you were worried the Apple iWatch would make you look like a chic.

We’d to double check our calendars to make sure it wasn’t April the 1st already, but, no this is apparently real: a watch that charges your phone while you, er, ‘charge yourself’.

The concept, called the W**kband, derives from adult content site Pornhub, who are apparently worried about the harm to the environment being caused by all the power the computers are sucking upwards while we’re ‘scratching the itches’.

Their particular solution: a watch-shaped device that will charges a battery whenever it’s moved up and down – when you’re combing your teeth, for example.

Not only is this beneficial to the planet, but it provides a handy excuse for anyone who is caught making your individual fun.

While this looks a lot like a publicity stop, the science behind it does basically make sense – though it won’t generate huge numbers of power. You might do yourself an incorrect sort of mischief trying to find your phone’s battery for you to 100%.

It’s not there for buy yet, but Pornhub are inviting people to sign up for a ‘Be(a)ta Test’ (on a reasonably safe for work chunk of their site).

Just remember to wax off when you’re in public: this is one gadget that’s all the more embarrassing to be seen in than Google Glasses.

Watch fisherman stave off the cold – by carrying lit STOVE on his back!

The fisherman relies on a piece of cardboard to stop him burnt – you most likely shouldn’t try this one in your own home.

Fishing could be a cold business – however, not for this man.

On a recent fishing trip, he discovered a whole new way of keeping warm on the water’s edge in this chilly weather – carrying a lit stove with his back.

Jovan Stojanovic, who had been casting his line in the river in Serbia, carried the rusty precious metal heater on his back again after lighting a fire to be nice and toasty.

He looks to your camera before throwing his bait in the water.

But when he will get a bite and pulls sharply around the rod, his seemingly genius plan starts to sink – quite literally.

With items of rusty metal dropping off his stove, the man reels inside his catch but he could be continually unsuccessful.

Chatting with In Serbia News, Jovan mentioned: “I watched fishermen in close proximity to South Morava freezing, and I felt sorry for him or her.

“Then it hit me. You fire up some sort of stove, put it on the back, warm your spine and there is no winter for you, ” Jovan explained to In Serbia News.

After being reluctant to go fishing for well over several years, Jovan now claims the sport is his favourite activity.

Watch caught fish create miracle escape to liberty – while still attached to fishing rod

Keeping a sheet of thick cardboard between your stove and his rear, Jovan admitted that not so many people are a fan of their unique invention.

“Some persons say I lost my mind. Why does everything that is unusual need to be a reflection of some sort of madman? Don’t people realize how to make jokes anymore along with bring some joy within their lives? ”.

Ewe are joking! Police give paint to residents plagued by stray sheep on housing estate!

Ewe are joking! Police give paint to residents plagued by stray sheep on housing estate!

The particular woolly trespassers are creating misery by eating blooms and leaving their droppings all over the gardens and street.

It’s a ram raid: Police have given residents paint to daub on wandering sheep (file pic)

Residents suffering from straying sheep into their gardens are already given pots of paint to name them.

The unwanted flock are leaving droppings throughout gardens and streets after breaking totally free of nearby fields.

They also leave a trail of destruction while they chomp on flowers and leaves throughout the £300, 000 homes about the Weavers Dene estate inside Helmshore, Lancashire.

The problem can be so bad that police have issued people with pots of paint in order to mark the offenders… if they can catch them.

Myra Molineux said: “We cannot put any plants out the front. They eat everything as well as leave general mess throughout the footpaths and pavement.

“It have been affecting everyone. It was funny and a bit of a novelty at first, but it’s happening frequently.

“It’s not nice for kids going to school. ”.

What Ewe looking at? Sheep have invaded the Weavers Dene estate in Helmshore (file pic)

Susan’s man Steve Molineux added: “I saw them at 3am down the middle of the road, it was like a few or six lads going home after having a Friday night out.

“It’s a delicate situation as it’s cloudy whose sheep they are. ”

Rosemary Johns, 38, said: “They come down the middle of the night and every day there are sheep droppings within the pavement.

“It was funny at first, but when you’re wheeling a pram through it all it’s not a laugh.

“We would just similar to whoever owns the sheep to hold them on their area. ”

Lancashire Police has offered residents with paint and instructed these to paint sheep so that you can identify them and their own owner.

Married TV presenter takes mystery blonde stranger to sauna – then wakes up without his testicles!

RUSSIAN POLICE BELIEVE DMITRY NIKOLAEV WAS TARGETED BY A CRIMINAL GANG SELLING ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET!

Any married TV presenter which took a mystery blonde stranger into a sauna then kissed your ex – passed out as well as woke up without his testicles.

Dmitry Nikolaev, 30, from Moscow, was out drinking on his local bar when a good woman approached him as well as struck up a discussion.

Shortly afterwards they hailed a taxi and went to a nearby sauna, where he helped himself into a beer and they smooched, as outlined by LifeNews. Ru.

The the next thing he remembers is waking up, feeling an acute ache below the waist as well as noticing blood on his pants.

Victim: Russian TV Actor Dmitry Nikolaev was recovering in hospital

They said: “I met someone at the bar and we went to the sauna for a taxi. I remember i always had a beer, and remember any more. ”

It was only when he attained hospital that doctors explained to him he’d been drugged and also his testicles were removed by someone who was simply an expert in castration.

Russian police believe Dmitry was targeted by way of criminal gang selling organs within the black market.

He added in: “I thought it was just a cut but doctors explained my testicles had already been removed. ”

He spent hours inside intensive care where doctors underwent an extra operation to close the particular wound, according to European media.

The skin was originally cauterised and yes it was a clean reduce, so surgeons believe the culprit was a doctor or even a vet.

Dmitry meanwhile, told his wife he was forced to undergo emergency surgery on his genitals because of a sudden serious illness.

Is he crazy? Shark selfie diver poses for underwater snaps during sea beasts’ feeding frenzy!

S HE CRAZY? SHARK SELFIE DIVER POSES FOR UNDERWATER SNAPS DURING SEA BEASTS’ FEEDING FRENZY!

THRILL-SEEKING AARON GEKOSKI, 34, TOOK THE PICTURES WHILE DIVING NEAR THE ALIWAL SHOAL IN SOUTH AFRICA DURING THE ANNUAL SARDINE RUSH.

These include the jaw-dropping pictures of your diver’s selfie taken during a feeding frenzy of eager blacktip sharks.

One shark took a new nibble at his camera and another bit the particular buoy line right over his head but he was able to come away unscathed with one of these amazing snaps.

Aaron Gekoski, 34, took the pictures while diving nearby the Aliwal Shoal in South Africa through the famous sardine rush that happens every July.

He had to keep eye experience of the feeding sharks and make himself as big as possible, keeping the predators content while he took his pictures.

He’s behind you: Aaron Gekoski poses for a selfie during a sharks feeding frenzy

Aaron, who wanted to highlight deficiency of danger posed by sharks to be able to humans, said: “The sardine run is among the most spectacular annual migrations on the planet.

“Travelling to the Aliwal Shoal, we’re able to guarantee shark sightings and also decent conditions and most of us thought we’d spice it up just a little and use the selfie to be a tool to get a significant message out there.

“Every 12 months around 100 million sharks tend to be killed, primarily to serve a demand for any delicacy in Asia : shark fin soup, pushing many species towards the brink of extinction.

“On this flip side, sharks only kill around 5 people each year, most as a reaction to mistaken identity.

Jaw-dropping: The snaps were taken during the annual sardine rush

“We needed to illustrate that sharks may not be the dangerous man-eaters they’re made out to get. They’re the ones at risk, not us. ”

Aaron has additionally recognised that the bends, a decompression sickness related to diving, has caused your ex more harm than just about any shark:

“Since then I in addition got the bends which is a bit of a nightmare! After surfacing from a dive a couple of weeks ago my arm went dead, was itchy and started turning blue.

“Being in remote Mozambique, I was too distant from a hyperbaric chamber to create it via road and so i just had to consider as much oxygen as is possible, wait it out and hope to find the best.

Watch terrifying moment shark circles small motorboat in Australia:

“I ought to accept that I perform a dangerous job but it would go to show that it’s not necessarily animals like sharks in which pose most danger, though the act of diving itself. ”

Aaron used to operate a modelling agency in London before dropping everything in 2009 to pursue his imagine being a wildlife shooter.

He sold his small business, most of his property and attended the Animals Film Academy based from the Kruger National Park, South Africa.

Now, six years later, he has travelled across the world in search of the actual wildlife he loves.

This cow is definitely in the frame for bike theft as the silly moo gets her horns stuck!

This dozy animal seemed slightly puzzled after somehow having her head wedged in a roadside bicycle!

Silly moo: Cow gets her horns stuck

Seems as if this cow is from the frame for attempted bike theft…

The dozy animal seemed a little puzzled after somehow acquiring her head wedged.

Within the background, a black cow from the herd also looked on confusingly at the strange sight.

Luckily she managed to shake the bike off before hoofing it from the scene unhurt in Brockenhurst, Hants.

Professional John Weiler took this kind of comedy picture.

He had been driving through Brockenhurst, Completely new Forest, Hants, on his strategy to work when he stumbled on the unusual scene.

The 51-year-old said: “It’s not something the thing is every day.

What moo looking at?

“I ended up being driving through Brockenhurst along with noticed the cow on the side of the road well, i stopped and got from my car.

“She was with a new herd that were on the go, it’s not unusual to find out livestock moving in the streets like this but it is unusual to find out a bike around a new cow’s neck.

“She ended up being staying quite calm, I did try and approach the girl but she backed away slightly.

“I phoned the New Forest Agisters after which a police officer resulted in after he had a call from one of many residents in the area.

“We were all stood there planning on what we were planning to do and then your lover shook it free.

“Someone must have eventually left there bike outside at this time there house and my guess is she need to have poked her head through the middle of it then got jammed. ”

He cud be right there.

Earlier this week Harriet the actual Dexter cow shocked staff at Pinewood Nurseries in Stoke Poges, Bucks, when it gave labor and birth to Petal – without the need of bull present.